Fearless Taco Pizza (& Loathing)

Yesterday, Trish got caught up on the laundry -- an all day affair. I let her sleep in until 8:30, & by the time she was done with her breakfast of cereal & shower, it was getting late to go over to the Layout for lunch, not that there's anything to do down there, anyway. Since she expected to go driving with Car-girl (she of the Carma Bear), she decided to start cleaning. However, Car-girl called when Trish was still in the bathroom, saying she had too much homework. Next time, I want to stress to Car-girl that Trish's biggest problem isn't driving; she knows how to do that; it's parking, especially after the incident in the lot behind the Layout.

So Trish cleaned the kitchen in the morning, then we ate at the Soup Kitchen. They had some real bland-tasting mac-&-cheese with hamburger in it, as well as some bean soup.

Once we were down in the basement, we made watching movies while doing clothes an all day affair. The new washing machine is real atomic; it holds twice as many clothes as the old one, so you can do a full load & 2 dryer loads. The only time that we came back upstairs was to order a medium pan pizza with Canadian bacon. We gave the driver a fairly hefty tip, mostly 'cause I know from Trish working there that they don't pay their help highly.

Then I called Jerome, to ask (beg, plead) to see if there's any way he'll ever write an SF story in collaboration with me. He's an absolutely brilliant writer, but even though he named his cat Frodo, he declared that he's too busy.

We also talked about Biggolith. Apparently, Dave called & gave him his phone number, which he refused to give out to John -- even if Mother dies -- & me, mostly 'cause his wife can't stand us taking "addictive experimental antidepressants" like some fucking Scientologist. SCIENTOLOGY KILLS! Jerry was prepared to give me Dave's phone number, but held off when he found out Dave refused to tell it to me a year ago. He said that David is "growing beans" & that they also have a lot of trees & are growing fruit. However, when I attempted to explain that Karen also suffers from a mental illness, he defended her paranoia, though I think I did get the point across that she's grandiose, like with the anime comic book that she did & then conveniently lost the art.

Then I called Fearless Taco, which was an ordeal -- he's still an expert on everything, & I fail to see how he got a PhD, as he won't listen to anyone. However, I stood up to him on everything, save for him falsely trying to maintain that Jerry's eye problems are as bad as mine. Screw that; I'm legally blind. But I did stand up on the issue that Dave "will grow out of it," by telling him that you don't outgrow a mental illness the way you don't outgrow diabetes or cancer. He also claimed that David might forget about the government conspiracies if he has this subsistence-level farming to do to "keep him busy". My response was that farming is not psychotherapy. If that were true, we wouldn't have hospitals, we'd just make the mentally ill go pick fruit. What's really difficult now -- as with Jerome -- is to convince the family that Karen has a problem. I keep picking lousy examples of her paranoia, but the grandiosity is another thing.

I'm not calling John back for a bit, but I do plan to call Joe today. It's hard to convince Joe that David has a mental illness, not even after he fled the wiretaps by moving to the middle of nowhere with a skinny dog who will divorce him once the money runs out. Oh well, we can at least talk about computers.

Boys & Girls (Club): Roxy as my music

Trish woke up at 7:30 yesterday morning, to prepare for her trip to see the foot doctor. Car-girl picked us up around 1/4 til 9:00 & stayed with us in the Clinic while the doctor saw Trish. He took out a stitch, then told her that a couple warts were trying to come back, & of all things, we need to put duct tape on them for 6 weeks.

We did budget with Karen at 10:00 that morning, so we left the CD player running until she arrived. We went out to the Gallery. Trish had blueberry pancakes while I had 2 eggs, bacon, hash browns, & pancakes.

Then Trish went driving with Car-girl for an hour. Car-girl took Trish on the road to Sattelite Butte (an appendage of the Invisible Suburb), then on up to the hospital. We went to the cafeteria & had popcorn & ice tea while Car-girl smoked a regular cigarette. I make mine Rasta, though it's been years & Noncorean is getting out of town.

During the afternoon, Trish actually called her dad's number & spoke with her step-mom for 1/2 an hour. This pleased me, as it's been so long. Ruth told Trish she apparently had some kind of trouble with her heart, & me that she had severe diarrhea, up until she prayed about it. & then she had to hang up, as the neighbor was coming to visit.

So Car-girl has Trish volunteering at the Boys & Girls Club, so she picked her up around 4:00. I messed around with the computer, & finally figured out how to install the OpenOffice program that Ted had sent me. I started a letter to Hope, as an experiment, but don't appreciate that the screen is still small at 120% & that the font size choices are smaller than on Word97. I'm still continuing to use the old program, until I finish Insanity Can Be Fun, then switch over.

Car-girl finally brought Trish home, around 6:00, so it took an hour for the chicken to bake, & so we had a very late supper. Trish had some leftover potatoes while we waited for it to cook, & I opened a can of baked beans. Today she wants to eat at El Taco Loco.

I watched some TV while Trish did the dishes. I tried to call my brother John, but he replied that they had "homework to do", so I simply got off the line. My family doesn't care what happens to me. Their being even worse when it comes to David, not even wanting to admit he has a mental illness & FUCK SCIENTOLOGY, or that his wife has one, & she probably is a Scientologist, or whatever the case, she has loco brains that vitamins & exercise won't cure.

This morning, once again, I woke up around 5:20, though we did go to bed early last night. I plan on taking 3 temazapam tonight, to FUCK SCIENTOLOGY & get a good night's sleep. When I don't, I turn into Cranky Bear.

have you seen the accident outside?

So yesterday I started an entirely new Ch. of Mind-Warp. Trish drove to work while I went to the Loco Advisory Council meeting, & explained how the copz locked up Biggolith, when really he should've spent some time in the hospital. I guess he's done remodelling & is trying subsistence farming, but this time if he fails, he won't have Union Maid to come back to.

So after the LAC meeting, I had my blood pressure checked, seeing as how the meeting was at Bullhook Clinic. Afterwards, I went to the Perky Pam Layout for lunch. Cheri & Lisa were both there, playing cards, & like can't we find something else to do? We had some kind of chicken casserole for lunch.

When I returned home, I did a bunch of on-line stuff, then settled back to write. Abilify seems to be helping, though perhaps not as good as U-boat. In both those cases, FUCK SCIENTOLOGY!

Trish surprised the hell out of me, when she called at 2:10, saying she could come home. Apparently Tuesday was a very slow day. When she drove her batmobile home she had no real difficulties parking, beyond what she created for herself.

I continued to work on "Requiem for a Black Angel" while Trish was in the shower. She spent an hour playing Penguins, then did a whites cycle on the new washing machine & GODDAMN THE KU KLUX KLAN!

We had mac-&-cheese for supper, then Trish started to clean the hamster's cage. While she was in the bathroom, rinsing out Smelly Bear's basement, I heard a horrible banging noise outside; the sound of metal being rent. I looked outside & saw that there'd been a traffic accident outside. I couldn't see exactly what'd happened, so I went ahead & got Trish. Once she pointed out that the van had overturned, I was able to see it. A few minutes later, the copz, an ambulance, & a fire-truck arrived. I couldn't tell if anyone was taken away via ambulance, & I think someone might've died.

We finally sat down to watch the Dark Angel marathon we'd recorded Sunday. Sci-fi is really advertising the new season of Battlestar Galactica. Anyway, we called Car-girl about taking us to the Clinic, & she insisted I didn't know how it felt to be in a near-fatal car accident. Nothing is incommunicable & unempathizable beyond the transmundane, so I'd have to disagree there. I just hope that Car-girl doesn't change her feelings about driving with Trish because of this. From what I could see, it looked like the grey car had turned wide & the other guy had been speeding.

Trish has an appointment with the foot doctor this morning, then we're going out for a late breakfast with Karen, to do budget. She sleeps sweetly, but soon the alarm will intrude. We'll drink some part-decaf coffee, then call Car-girl.

waiting for the girly-girl (my wife)

Right now, I've just sat down to check my email & get caught up on my blog, while I'm waiting for Trish to get off work at Pizza Hut. Earlier today, I had a meeting of the Local Advisory Committee, whose basic purpose is to FUCK SCIENTOLOGY & actually help the mentally ill. I had a little to say about how the copz in Missoula treated Biggolith. Were they a little more understanding of his paranoia he might be on medication & not married to the skinny dog & taking her quack herbs. While I was there I had my blood pressure checked, then went & ate at the Layout -- Perky Pam herself chaired the meeting. After that I stopped at the hardware store for some screws; our door frame is missing some, according to the appliance guys. I went to Fat Albertson's & picked up a gallon of 1% & 5 cans of pineapple.

Yesterday, Trish walked to work instead of taking the car -- sometimes Fred -- & other people -- don't understand just how bad Trish's anxiety over driving really is. Car-girl picked me up around 12:30, so I could use my 99 cent buffet coupon. We talked quite a bit about diverse things, but mostly decided that I should rewrite the 10_monad file in Insanity Can Be Fun totally from scratch. I'll start on that later today. Car-girl forgot to bring money, & had to rush off, thinking Trish wouldn't be done until at least 3:00. She actually got off around 2:30, & sat around eating pizza while we waited.

Then the plumbers came. 1/2 hour labor + parts, so it's probably costing us about 30 buckadingdongs.

We had beans on toast for supper. Jeffer Auss came over while Trish was catching up on the laundry. I wanted Jeff to try to fix my right rear speaker, from where he'd wrongly connected the L-pad the time before. It sounds like it should, but it took 2 hours, & of course, we have one more speaker to do.

Tomorrow, Trish has an appointment with the foot doctor, followed by an early breakfast with Karen, to do budget. I look forward to spam & eggs.

Cranky Bear(s)

A lot of things happened yesterday. First thing in the morning, I fixed (of course) pancakes (today she wants French toast). We had to wake Trish up early 'cause the appliance guys were bringing in our new washing machine. Trish walked to work (she's thinking up excuses not to drive) & then the guy said that we needed to call a plumber, that the hot water hose wouldn't connect. Trish called home from work when she arrived, & this stressed her out, as she doesn't really respond well to negative things.

When I checked my mail, I discovered a form letter from Albert Zuckerman, who then dared to include a flyer for his book. Does this really make sense? I'm going to tell you I'm not accepting new clients, but I want you to read my book anyway?

I'd been working hard on the latest draft of my novel, then this happened. Since the appliance guys were gone, I called Perky Pam & asked if I could have my 1/2 shot that morning, rather than waiting for the afternoon. She agreed, so I walked over to the Layout & got a spike into my vein. Downstairs was closed, & I didn't feel like hanging around the Soup Kitchen, so I had a TV dinner & watched Heavy Metal, then a couple episodes of TNG, even though I sat on the porch thru-out most of one, waiting for Trish.

When she came home she only wanted a peanut butter sandwich for lunch; then it took her an hour to eat it. We watched the next TNG episode together while she ate her paucity of food.

Since the appliance guys had found that the back door hinges had some missing screws, I called Friendly Fred to see if he could help come up with replacements, but also largely wanted to play our instruments. Trish asked to talk to him, then demanded a ride up to the Clinic Thursday morning. When he responded, "I'm not a taxi," I told her that he isn't, indeed, one, & that she should've asked Car-girl first, as that's what her car is for.

Trish immediately turned into Cranky Bear, then called me Cranky Bear when I raised my voice back at her. She whined until suppertime, though Car-girl helped her talk out some of her frustrations.

We had steak for supper. Last time, it came out a little rare, so I moved the broiler pan closer to the heating element, which activated the smoke alarm & didn't leave our meat well enough done, anyway.

We went down in the basement, so we could monitor the progress of the washing machine. While she used it Trish put her Britney Spears in. Trish is always putting her Britney Spears in, & I try to be accomodating, even though I don't really care for her. I asked if we would be watching Dark Angel, like usual Monday nights. She turned into Cranky Bear, so I had to tell her I'd record the entire marathon, not just one episode. Then she asked if I wanted to watch Beavis & Butt-Head Do America, but got all Cranky Bear over that, too, when I asked her to put it in, rather than watch Britney Spears.

She accused me of being Cranky Bear myself. Even though, still, like yeah, fuck Scientology, I've noticed some irritability on my part since starting the Abilify. The pharmacist said that it should go away, given a couple weeks. Plus I was upset about the goddamn form letter. Trish's acting out doesn't help, & I hope our marriage can survive, if we both continue to be Cranky Bear.

I also hope this doesn't destroy our friendship with Fred. I can understand his frustration with Trish, but on top of it all, he's frustrating to deal with himself, like when he tried to punch in the TV channels manually & couldn't figure out the remote, not that the tech helped any.

Today, I woke up at 6:00. A few minutes earlier, actually. I made a blend of decaf & regular coffee -- Doc Larocque is trying to decaffeinate Trish -- then set to work on the computer. I'm looking forward to a 99 cent buffet at Pizza Hut with my TA, then having Jeffer Auss over to finally fix my rear speakers. He put the L-pad in wrong when he wired up these homemade things. I've had to go without surround sound for a couple weeks now.

I'm hoping that Trish's meds will kick in, soon. Last night she claimed Fred was "making her suicidal". She really lets the car stress her out too much. Were it not for the copper jitters she'd be driving up to the Clinic on Thursday on her own. Fortunately, Car-girl will be giving her some more driving lessons before winter hits.

I love my Bumble Bee Girl, even when we're both Cranky Bear. I just hope that the med changes will help us both & FUCK SCIENTOLOGY!

spike into my veins (& I guess that I just don't know)

Today is to be one of the last that Perky Pam will be putting a spike into my vein. I can feel the Abilify hitting me, changing & rearranging my brain. How it will respond with haldol on top of it is another question. Abilify is energizing; haldol puts you to sleep. Generally, when I get a haldol shot, I spend the remainder of the day watching DVDs. I may do that today, or I may work on Mindstorm for awhile. I finished the entire Ch.09_#1-3 sequence yesterday, one of the older chapters & 2 of the new, which clarify Leadbeater's fear of Alfalfa High. This will be important for the scenes involving Reality & Hitman S. Hunter.

I did all this yesterday, feeling the speed-high ecstacy of Ambilify. Ten in the morning, Fred came by to see if the charge on the battery had held. The car started right away, but Trish still wanted a ride to work, fearful now that the car will stall.

When she left, I finished Ch.09_UFO_&_U-2, which is all about how the Trank Copz reacquire Lead, so he changes into the vorkling Finny. Then I went out & ate lunch at El Taco Loco, where I had a #4: taco, rice & burrito. Then I worked on the next 2 Ch., about the hypnotist collector (a Boy-Subvert in her own right). The next Ch. dealt with Lead's acid trip (but if the light that is in you is darkness..?). As I finished up, the phone rang: Keith. I finished with Roxy Salmon, took a bath, then called him back. Now he wants a new house. I've never seen the place where he lives, so I can't comment, but he does seem to enjoy spending money he doesn't have. His dad has him living in a gilded cage the way Mother did me, when I first returned home from the City of Night.

After Keith got off the phone, I put on Yes Speak, the audio-only portion, & waited by the door to hear from Trish. Kim came by, & I told her, "Trish work," "later". I couldn't let her in, or it would've freaked Trish out more than it would be worth, to have her sit in the co-pilot's chair & babble in sign language about her cat & fish tank. That she wants sex is a given, Trish knows that, so we can't let her in when Trish isn't around, & frankly, I'm becoming tired of her coming over at inconvenient times. We've tried to tell her to call first, but it never seems to get thru, so today I'll have to ask Perky Pam to relay the message for us. I love my Bumble Bee Girl & no longer will stick my atomic dong into Kim.

Trish came home while my Yes video continued to play. She ate her lunch of veggies from the salad bar at Pizza Hut, while I ran over to McClean's & bought a Chapstick. Trish raked the apples out of the way in the backyard, so the delivery men wouldn't trip when they brought in the new washing machine.

I called Hope while Trish showered. Hope was on the line to her mother, so she called back a few minutes later, while I watched Twister on Home Ox Boffo. I mostly wanted to tell Hope all about our trip to the Fargo of the Invisible Landscape. She listened for awhile, & confirmed that she would, indeed, be coming to the Mental Health Conference.

We ate a can of chunky pineapple when the movie finished, then went to bed. I think that I dozed off pretty fast. I woke up around 5:30 to use the bathroom. Trish went, too, & took her Synthroid, while I reset the alarm clock. I've got 20 minutes left & need to find some way to waste it. Ted just logged on. I think that I'll say hi, the memory carry-on.

ding-dong, the car is dead

Friday, Trish's last day off, Car-girl saw us at the Perky Pam Layout & cancelled driving practice until Saturday. Then it turned out yesterday (Saturday) that the car wouldn't start, so Trish had to make a last-minute call to Car-girl.

Once Trish left, I checked out scifiweekly.com, to see what's new in the way of both skiffy & the real thing. Not that I can read anymore. I made it about 1/2-way thru that C.J. Cherryh book & let it die. It was entertaining, to an extent, but failed to hold my interest sufficiently to finish the thing.

I experimented with the Critters page, enlarging the font in order to allow me to read the text files. They go off the screen at the edges. I experimented with using copy & paste into MS-Word, but with the formatting lost, I had trouble getting the guy's stuff to paste into the window at Outlook Express. The ^p in the text files tended to break up lines of quoted material. I'll stay in Critters as long as I can, but perhaps should remember that I already have an MA & could therefore be teaching writing, not having snot-nosed DARE brats calling members of the Native American Church "junkies" or idiots who can't read calling the Noc-Lar's agency "loopholes in the plot & unbelievable characters". Perhaps I really just need to write something other than SF.

That's why I'm working so hard on Mindstorm. Yesterday, I finished 2 more chapters, & am rapidly nearing 2 of the additions that aren't in the iUniverse version. The only good thing publishing with them did was to force me to do another draft.

So once I finished the 2 ch. I called Fred. I invited him over in order to jam on the keyboard & that little guitar he brought over. I also asked him to pick Trish up, even though it's good walking weather. When he found out that the car wasn't starting, he brought over his battery charger. We left it on overnight & will know around 10:00 this Sunday morning (he has to sing in Church, but is coming over in between Masses) whether the machine needs a new part.

We had chicken for supper. The meat baked while Trish watched her new Aerosmith DVD. Kimothy came over while we were eating, so I made 3 signs: "busy, eat, later". Trish was fairly disturbed by the visit, & decided we should ask her to call first before she comes over, as she keeps stoppin by at inconvenient times. I tried calling her a couple times before bedtime, but couldn't reach her. Trish wants me to ask Pam to intervene, but I want to wait until I've tried the phone a couple times.

Then on top of me being Cranky Bear on my new meds, Trish & I argued a couple times last night, & I think that I see hints of the old Trish coming back, in spite of the recent med change -- & further changes may need to be made. Karen & Cheri both noticed a quivering jaw, a possible sign of tardive dyskenesia. I talked it over with Dominique at Western Drug, & she said that we could either add Cogentin -- which Trish doesn't like -- or switch her to Ambilify or Zyprexa, albeit she was taken off Zyprexa a long time ago. I said that I'd mention it to the doctor the next time we saw her. At this point, I don't want to scare Trish. December will be here soon enough, & I'm optimistic that there are treatment options.

As for myself, I find the Abilify to be not unlike an OD of Artane, & though the clarity of my writing is improving, I seem to be Cranky Bear sometimes, when I'm frustrated. I try so hard to be patient with Trish, but she isn't always patient with me. I love my Bumble Bee Girl, & want only the best for her, but am scared that her temper has shown minor flare-ups. Maybe I'm over-concerned 'cause of the way it became so bad that I had to kick her out. In any case, we've certainly got to give the meds more of a chance to work. We're married now, & we're not getting a divorce -- Trish had a dream the other night that I divorced her for Kim, & I think therein resides a lot of the anxiety she had last night. Kim isn't as cute as Trish & doesn't understand either skiffy or SF, so I'm keeping my baby.

without the Abilify to change

I had a hard time with the drugstore yesterday, filling my prescription for Abilify, the newest of the antipsychotics, not to mention that it has an effect on bipolar as well, & fuck Scientology. I woke up aroung 5:20, then worked on yesterday's blog for a long time. There was so much to tell. When Trish got out of bed, I called the drugstore to see if my 'scripts had gone thru. Trish's higher dose of Lamictal & a new Risperdal went thru; mine didn't. They said they were having problems with the dose.

Trish & I finally went to the Perky Pam Layout, where Cheri, as Karen had the day before, noticed Trish's jaw twitching: tardive dyskenesia; I hope they don't take her off her Risperdal for it. Unlike Tom Cruise, I know the history of psychiatry, & there is such a thing as a chemical imbalance. Bottom line is, Trish loses the medicine, she'll relapse.

So we played War for awhile, then Karen called with the news that she'd found us a futon for the basement on Tradio. We can finally go downstairs to sleep &/or have guests over.

Then she sent us over to the appliance store to look at washing machines. We found one on sale for $300, + delivery, but there's a mail-in rebate to recoup the extra money. We agreed to buy it, & it'll be delivered Monday.

In the meantime, we ran over to Western Drug to see about the prescription. Apparently, when Doc Larocque wrote it up for 2 5 mg. pills, which she'd intended me to take one for the first month & 2 for the 2nd, Medicaid didn't like the dose. I had a couple notes intended for Perky Pam, but they weren't signed, so after lunch at the Center, & while Trish was taking her shower, I ran over to the drugstore. Dominique had finally fixed the problem.

Mostly, we watched the Dark Angel marathon that we'd videotaped all afternoon, then Trish ordered out a lasagna pizza, & was so glad when the non-Car-girl Jeremy delivered it & not Bridget. Bridget is always complaining about Trish at work. She sees Charlene Upstairs today, so I hope this can be healed.

We listened to the College station, up to the point where Trish had to go up to the hospital for her sleep apnea test. Car-girl drove us, & I stayed with Trish, up to the point where they were prepared to glue the electrodes to her head. I descended in the elevator at the exact same time as Car-girl went up. When she finally dropped me off at home, I channel-surfed, up to the point where I found That 70s Show, but it was an episode where both Eric & Kelso had left, so it wasn't that funny.

I woke up around 6:00 this morning, & sat around with the CDs on, waiting for Trish to call -- & took my first Abilify, which I'm not feeling a buzz from just yet. She finally called around 6:30, & we stayed on the phone until she accidentally d/c'ed it, then several more minutes, after she called back. She's napping right now, but Car-girl promised to take her driving this afternoon, if she naps, so I'm letting her stay in bed as long as she feels like.

The City of Electric Light

Yesterday Trish got up at 7:00 (following her pill at 6:00) in order for Karen to take us to the City of Electric Light around 8:00. I had the last of the shredded wheat for breakfast, while my wife had toast.

Karen drove up precisely at 8:00, though we had to pick up another client before heading down the highway during a light rainfall. It's been cool & rainy for the last several days, an overnight change from a week ago.

Since we arrived early, we ate at McDonald's, where I had a Diet Coke instead of a coffee. Other than that it was the typical McGrease. Afterwards, Karen took her other client to the hairdresser & Trish & I wandered around the mall. Trish had a double latte, then a soda at Orange Julius, after we picked out an Aerosmith DVD for Trish at Sam Goody's.

& then we saw Doc Larocque. I let Trish speak first, as she's been having the awful, Scientology-fucking problems with anxiety & suicidal thought, & fuck Tom Cruise, for that matter. Doc Larocque agreed that she needs more Klonopin, but made her choose between it & Xanax, & fuck the skinny dog. & herbs that have been studied in China for 1,000s of years. Trish took the Klonopin. Doc Larocque also asked about Paxil & some other Scientology-fucking antidepressants, but Trish had a reaction to them. She is having her Lamictal raised, also.

When it came to my own meds, once I described my problems with haldol, Doc Larocque immediately agreed that I needed to be off it. She gave me the choice of either being on more Risperdal, or being on something in its place. I'd contemplated stelazine, but she felt one of the "atypical" antipsychotics would not only really help me, but fuck Scientology as well, so we settled on Ambilify. I'm to be taking it in the morning, as apparently, it's quite energizing. Go, Slime-thing & Lady Speed! as W.C. Leadbeater would say.

Then we ate lunch at the Golden Corral. Trish & I'd brought along $20 apiece for the meal, but Karen paid out of my checkbook. I had way too much to eat.

We picked up 2 new pairs of pants & a fall jacket at Kame-Apart, something that I really needed. I threw my old vest into the garbage when we got home, an X-mas gift from my mother, so it was sort of like throwing away Quilty Bear. But it had to be done.

We also stopped at Sam's Club, where I mostly just waited by the plasma TVs for Trish & Karen to finish shopping. Karen didn't want to stop at Loma, but Trish had diarrhea from all the coffee (Doc Larocque is trying to decaffeinate her), so I bought some toffee peanuts, while she was in the bathroom.

When we got home, we used our newly-recharged phone card to call Trish's family, other than Ron & Ruth, who don't understand her medicine. I called Joe, then John. Apparently Biggolith called Jerry. He's trying to live off the land on his own vegetable garden, & there's "all kinds" of things Karen can do to help earn money, which is obviously a crock of shit John was willing to fall for. She's a secretary. All she knows how to do is type. According to Fearless Taco, she even "taught art school", which is of course ludicrous. She's only an average artist, & she's certainly showed no signs of even trying to be a professional all the time I knew her. The only thing she knows how to do is sponge off Dave, & when the money's gone, she'll leave him.

But enough on the skinny dog. Trish's sleep apnea test is this evening, & she's taking along all her meds, her own pillow, & Bouncy Bear. Bouncy Bear started out as Generic Bear, but I told Trish it'd hurt the bear's feelings, so we changed the name. She comes home at 7:00 the next morning, & I promised to fix her eggs & French toast. Her appointment with Charlene Upstairs is Friday, but a lot of the anxiety has disappeared, as it was anxiety over her medication. Today I pick up my Abilify, which is being tapered upward while I'm being tapered downward on my haldol.

Also, this morning, I got an email from Lucy. & the other day Dave Szabo wrote to say he'd bought a copy of my book, albeit it originated in the twin hell-holes of mania & Narcoholism. Scoobies suck as bad as Scientologists. You'd better watch out for the Scoobies!

off to see the doctor

Yesterday, I had to wake Trish up early, 'cause I had an appointment with Dr. Anoushfer at 8:45, which is a hard time to wake Trish up. Car-girl called, with the concern that she needed to go to someone's court case for an hour, so after the appointment, I went to the hospital & drank iced tea until she could pick me up.

The news was good: the polyp that they removed was benign, but would have become cancerous, had it gone untreated. Since they removed it, all that's necessary is to have recurring checks every 2 years. They'll be mailing me a card when it's my time.

When I got home, I watched Battlestar Galactica on the skiffy channel, until Car-girl came -- & then announced that she was sick to the stomach. She had to pick up a chocolate milkshake at the Bear Creek Drive-in to see if that'd help, then to the gas station, as she was running on empty. We finally arrived at Pizza Hut, after dropping off the laundry, but then Car-girl went & yacked in the bathroom. I mentioned to Christy what Car-girl was doing, so we got a free lunch, but Car-girl wanted to lay down for an hour & have Trish call her when she needed a ride. Trish knew savage dread about this, as last time the call waiting kept her from getting thru.

So Trish finally got home safe, & I ran over to the drugstore to pick her up some more gi-huge bandages. She showered while I cooked our chicken, which had to go back into the oven -- apparently 60 min.s is too long & 45 too short. Trish did all the household chores, while I watched the BsG marathon, then was disappointed when it was over. We found one of those gossip channels -- kept men -- until bedtime.

Today we see Doc Larocque. Karen wants to be on the road at 8:00. Trish is sleeping, & will eat a light breakfast when she wakes up.

The Wikipedia website on oculogyrics has changed, & I suspect some Scientologist as having upped the list of meds that include this side effect to all neuraleptics (which they don't), & benzodiazepenes, which I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I've never heard of it; benzodiazapenes are used to treat it. In any case, I'm going
to try to get off the haldol anyway, 'cause this is precisely what happened when I was on the pills.

& I had a fucking big depersonalization yesterday, when I was out with Car-girl, & a really powerful oculogyric in the men's room at Pizza Hut.

TV: Nightmares & Dinners

Yesterday we swapped out the digital cable box, for some more reasonably-priced analog. I thought it would take a pliers to remove the thing, so I asked Fred to swap out the box & replace it with the connections on the VCR. I'd thought of having Car-girl do it for our TA, but since I didn't know for sure if she has tools, I asked Fred's help: show up around 10:00, take out the box drop Trish off at work, then go up to the Invisible Cable Company, to make sure that they had their box & remote.

Then the nightmare began. I asked Fred to stick around long enough to see if it was working, but when I tried the remote to the VCR, all I could get was Ch.1-10, none of the higher channels. Since I couldn't read the letters on the phone, I had Fred call support for me. That woman, when told I was running my signal thru a VCR, so I could hook it into my stereo, had me "isolate the TV", which wasn't the right thing to do, but I'd have had a hard time even with that, were it not for the tech on the other end.

Then Fred decided, when it came to programming channels into the TV, that the way to do it was manually, one channel at a time for all 63 channels, which is, of course, ridiculous. Even though we were doing the wrong thing, you still want to use the feature that automatically adds the channels. Then he got perturbed that I was staying on the phone to talk to the tech, saying, "No, Jim, this is the way you do it. I'm sure of it." Eventually, I did get off the phone & let him go home, as he was getting frustrated with me, & I with him.

So I was headed into a real panic attack. It was around 1/4 to noon, so I took a whole Xanax, fuck the skinny dog, & then fixed a TV dinner. It was some species of chicken-thing. I called support once more, after lunch, by using redial. The woman had me do various things, then asked if there was a TV/VCR switch on the remote. There was, & I was finally able to get the skiffy channel. I thought everything was going well, then tried to change the channel, & screwed it up again.

I finally called Jeffer Auss about it. He promised to be over around 3:00 (I later got him to switch it to 2:30 so we could pick up Trish.) I put the radio on (we have to make do without our music channels, now). While I waited, I did another draft of Ch.5 of Mindstorm, but was really too upset to do much beyond that.

Jeffer finally arrived He said that the remote on his VCR resembles mine. His is also a Panasonic, but we have the one with the built-in DVD player. He messed around with the remote some, while talking to the techs -- at least he was willing to listen; Fred is too insistent on knowing what he's doing, like the thing with the door & the moths.

I finally consigned myself to needing an appointment with the repairman, when Jeff discovered the "set channels" feature on the Action button on the VCR. He'd discovered it once before, but hit cancel 'cause it just kept flashing. Thing is, it doesn't give you the channel numbers as you're loading them, instead it just keeps cycling until it's thru. Once it did finish, we played around to see if we were getting everything, & then he had to split 'cause he had no time to waste. Of course, my next step was to call the repairman & cancel.

We'd already picked up Trish, shortly after Jeff arrived, so when he left -- she changed clothes in the bathroom. I ran my C.J. Cherryh book back to the library without finishing it, then picked up my Alphagan at Western Drug. We spent some time together, I think she was playing Penguins, then I cooked some steak & mashed potatoes for supper. She'd already brought home a bunch of veggies from the salad bar. Unfortunately, the steak still wasn't well enough done for Trish. There's a delicate balance between rubbery & chewy.

Trish did some dishes after supper, using the pots-&-pans cycle on the machine. So there wasn't enough hot water for a bath for the 2 of us. I guess I'll just have to be content to be Smelly Bear, until I can hop into the tub later today. Hope called while Trish played Penguins, & we had a good, long talk. She's almost her own payee now, but doesn't know if she's making it to the State Conference as she had to buy birthday gifts for her kids.

We did watch Dark Angel, but the Xanax caused me to fall asleep during the show. Trish finally got me to get up & go to bed. I took 2 Scientology-fucking sleeping pills, instead of 3, as I felt I'd already napped pretty well from the Xanax.

But I woke up at 4:25 AM. Trish & I both had to go to the bathroom. I tried to return to sleep, finally gave up around 5:00. Today, I have my follow-up on the colonoscopy at 8:45, then my morning free, up to TA time. Tomorrow, we see Doc Larocque, & see if Trish's Lamictal really needs to be raised & if the haldol still needs to be in my blood & the blood in my head.

naked Taco Loco

Yesterday (as these posts so typically begin), I woke up at 4:00-something & felt burned out all day. I got up & used the computer for awhile, then shut it off when it came time for Trish's breakfast of pancakes.

Car-girl gave Trish a ride to work yesterday dependent on a 10:00 AM call, to remind her. After she left, I felt so burned out from undersleeping that I decided I wouldn't be able to work on Mindstorm, so I watched Airplane until noon, then went out to my lunch, hardly naked in the wet, cold weather. I bought a #3 at El Taco Loco. A couple mugwumps sat a few tables down, Interzone agents, the lot of them.

When I came home I put in Pulse, the Pink Floyd video that David gave us, in his last moment of niceness. (Karen, of course, couldn't come say goodbye, as we use addictive experimental antidepressants & not herbs that have been studied in China for 6,000 years & I hope David divorces her & gets his life back.)

Trish called from work around 3:00, complaining that Car-girl didn't answer her phone. I suggested calling Fred. Trish called back a few minutes later to say that she did have a ride home. I went out on the porch & waited, while the movie & light show continued to pulse. When she arrived Trish complained that Fred was mad at her for calling at the last minute. We started to eat our veggies that Trish had brought home from the salad bar. I eventually decided to call Fred, to explain the true realities of Dopamax, but he said that he wasn't angry, in the least. Then I called Car-girl, & she was home, & asked if Trish needed to be picked up. Apparently, her call waiting had screwed up & she'd missed Trish's call. Next time, Trish will simply wait & drink a Mr. Fruity while she's waiting for her ride.

Trish took her shower at the usual time, so while she was doing it, I played around with the remote, & came up with the new old Star Trek, TOS with the special effects enhanced. However, we ate during it. Trish decided that she wanted Chef Boy-r-dee canned food & canned carrots for supper. Some of her anxiety must be returning, as it took her over 1/2 an hour to eat this little bit of stuff.

We found a movie on TV -- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy -- & Trish watched the beginning, then did some dishes & made the bed. Although this particular spate of bad weather will dissipate, we still need to replace Quilty Bear with an electric blanket, so we have at least have a month or so before that.

We went to bed around 8:45 last night, & I took 3 Scientology-fucking temezapam. I slept pretty soundly, up to the point where my bladder woke me up. Although I've been trying to avoid fluids in the evening, this remains a problem.

Fred promised to come over around 10:00, in order to help unscrew the digital cable box & wire the cable into our VCR. We'd do it ourselves, but lack tools, & even though we have a white bat-mobile, getting Trish to drive to the cable company would be a different matter. So we need help. Once we have the box swapped out we'll be giving Trish a ride to work, & she can walk home. The high today is supposed to be 63.

I think that part of Trish's anxiety right now -- the moths are long gone -- is dealing with an impending winter, which will mean relying on rides. Although she has her license, she doesn't know how to drive on ice & snow yet, & is a slow learner, so this is all very difficult for her. Filling out the application at Crazy Tacos seems to have -- although she still has the anxiety -- caused her to switch over to a manic state. I'll be glad when we finally see Doc Larocque, & can get Trish's & my medicine straightened out.

I want off haldol, but am working on Mindstorm, so will have no idea how I'm doing on it, as it's impossible to Critter. I tried running it thru the group once, & had to ask ye olde Critter Cap'n to yank it from the queue after some bitch declared, "This doesn't look like you wrote it while manic. This looks like you wrote it on drugs". She continued to go on as to, "what to do with the chapters" & said to chop them up into short-shorts & print them in magazines that only pay in copies, as "Andrew Burt is right, no science fiction or mainstream fantasy publisher will accept this as-is", when the point of the aburt quote was, "Don't send this to SF publishers. Send it to a dozen mainstream publishers at once & see what happens". With no Crittering applicable, I may ruin the story & even lose the ability to write stuff for Analog. On top of which, I'm finding out the results of my biopsy Tuesday, & don't want to have to deal with cancer, if that's what it is.

Veterans of Foreign Pancakes

Yesterday -- having planned this the night before -- Ed & Denise took us out to the VFW pancake breakfast. I woke up around 6:00, like usual (this morning I was up at 4:25), so I did my Internet thing before Trish got out of bed at 7:30. I've noticed that she's been sleeping a lot less lately. We sat around drinking Scooby-Dew before I gave Ed a call at 8:30. Since the answering machine picked up, Trish & I were a little distressed, wondering if they'd forgotten. When we tried again, Ed responded that Denise had gotten our message, he was ready to go, while Denise was in the shower.

The pancakes were nummy treats. Pancakes go in bellies. The place was crowded but had mostly cleared out by the time we needed to take Trish to work. We talked about the pope's comments on Islam a little, something that has me deeply disturbed & angry, albeit the RCC is "my" religion. (Trish prays to the Heavenly Father every night, kneeling at the foot of the bed while holding my hand, as I lay on my back, then seals it with a kiss, saying, "Peace be with you," & I say, "& also with you". Then it's time for bouncy-bouncy.)

After driving Trish to Pizza Hut, Ed got stuck in the parade. In spite of the rain & possibility of snow, they were holding Festival Days, anyway. Wishing to bypass the endless trucking of bands & horses, Ed turned off onto one of the avenues that convey Invisible traffic north & south, only to wind up being trapped. We finally got around it, & I returned safely to my house.

I sat down to work on the latest draft of Mind-Warp. I want to do this thing while I still have some vision left. At least this Firefox lets you crank the size of your text.

The next order of business was to light the pilot. The heater set off the fire alarm, from smoke being burned out of it.

I did my 2 Ch. a day on Mind-Warp, but am disappointed in Ch.5, or rather, one scene in it, the scene where Lead becomes violently angry with Karen Relationships over her having an affair with Mel Paraffin. I think that I know how to fix the problem, though. I worked clear thru lunch, which consisted of a peanut butter sandwich & some yogurt.

I called Fred about 2:00, then listened to TV music until he came by around 2:30. He wanted me to run over to the Lutheran Church with him for some rummage sale, but told him that I had to wait for Trish. We did Amazing Grace in a bunch of different voices, then Trish called.

I'm pleased with my Bumble Bee Girl, even though she seems to be undergoing violent & rapid moodswings. The anxiety was the most noticeable thing at first, beginning with her impending foot surgery from pretty much the day we returned from MisCon, thru the surgery itself, then the not-eating, the moths, &c. Now she seems to be doing a lot better, if not moving in the opposite direction. Part of the moodswing came from filling in an application for El Taco Loco, which made her feel there were work options other than Pizza Hut. (Though she still sometimes wants to insist on getting a volunteer job instead of a paying one.) The other thing that I think helped was me telling her that she doesn't have to rush home precisely at 2:30 to see me, that she can stay at Pizza Hut until the job is done. As things stand at this point, she's even suggested -- of her own accord -- getting rid of the digital cable. I think that she's done with the suicide threats, at least for the time being. She still claims her Lamictal needs to be raised (& fuck Scientology), but that can affect anxiety both ways -- cause & create it -- so I just keep telling her we'll discuss it with Doc Larocque. The appointment is only a few days away.

Anyway, once Trish returned from work, she wanted a shower. When Trish is in the shower, I frequently call wako. We had a conversation which I terminated when Trish was out. I cooked some chicken for us, but left it in a little too long. After supper, I took a bath while Trish did some household chores. We watched the end of Pleasantville on Encore, then switched to a 3's Company marathon on TVLand. I felt tired around 8:30, which is probably why I woke up so early this morning.

Car-girl is giving Trish a ride today, & Trish already told her about the possibility of longer hours. Were it not for the distance & the low wages, I'd say this job is ideal for Trish. Few employers will keep a position open for a month, when the employee isn't even officially granted sick leave or other benefits. Once we figure out her medicine, I'm sure the halcyon days of bliss from the beginning of our relationship will return. Truly. Madly Deeply.

winter is anger-funging

It looks like we went from summer to winter with no autumn. Yesterday, when Trish got up & I got off the computer, the rain was coming down & the Layout was closed. We both had cereal for breakfast, then watched Madonna 93-99, before picking up our Scientology-fucking meds at Western drug, running to the bank to cash our checks, & dropping off Trish's application at El Taco Loco.

That application seems to have changed Trish's mood significantly. I think a lot of her current anxiety is due to the anger-funging winter, needing to find rides, fear & loathing about driving out to Pizza Hut when her parking's so bad, &c.

We ate at the Soup Kitchen, then went over to Fat Albertson's so Trish could pick up some groceries with her spending cash. She's certainly matured from the days when she'd automatically pick up a movie with it.

Then we watched the first disk of The Fellowship of the Ring (boxed set). We watched Peter Gabriel afterward, but Trish found a stain on the coffee maker & wanted it cleaned, so I went back to Albertson's for some vinegar, some American cheese, & 4 cans of chunky pineapple (Trish doesn't like crushed).

When the music ended & I was about to fix supper the phone rang: Denise. She wanted to know if we would be willing to go to the free breakfast at (I think) the Vet's Club. I asked Trish, who agreed to it. Ed came on the line shortly thereafter to say that they'd finally bought a computer, a little laptop.

We watched TV all evening, after a grilled cheese sandwich & porkin' beans. Amazingly, Trish decided to cut our cable back down to expanded basic, something that I wanted to do, but never would've dared say while Trish was going thru her latest moodswing. & it's so good 'cause she fought Karen on it so hard for so long.

Since Trish had to get up "early" this morning, I had to cut Keith off on the phone following the first episode of the 70s show. Trish didn't want me waking up way early, so I took 3 Scientology-fucking temazapam & woke up awhile before 6:00.

It's supposed to snow today & tonight. Fred is giving Trish a ride home from work today, following our jam session (I'm still terrible) & Car-girl will do it tomorrow.

Also, Trish has just started her period & some of the high-strung emotions could've come from that. I think between her applying for a closer job & my advice to stay as long as Bridget wants -- which Trish was willing to accept -- have made a clear difference in her mood. In addition, it's less than a week now until we see Doc Larocque & deal with some of the medical issues. For example, I had a depersonalization experience when we got back from lunch & had to take an addictive experiemental antidepressant that ruins lives, if the skinny dog is correct. Sure made me feel good, though.

Champions of Hot Donna

I woke up yesterday around the usual time: 6:00. Gone are the days when I'd oversleep, depressed. I ate a bowl of shredded what for breakfast, then did my Internet.

Trish woke up a little before the alarm, but wanted to finish her coffee before she ate -- fortuitous, as Karen called around 9:15 & said she'd take us out for breakfast. We went to the Gallery, talked a bit, then went to the Dollar Store to stock up on stuff with the checkbook. We bought 22 buckadingdongs of canned stuff.

Trish met Donna at the Center, & the 2 went out for lunch, while I reworked Mindstorm. I finished another draft of Ch.2-3, & will be saving the rest for days when Trish works.

We decided to eat at El Taco Loco & Trish saw a Help Wanted sign. This would be ideal, as she wouldn't have to depend on rides during the winter. She asked for an application, & is all excited -- a real moodswing from complaining that Bridget makes her work too hard at Pizza Hut.

When we got home we started to watch Danny Deckchair, but I wanted a bath. Once I started in the middle with Trish, I was confused & didn't know what was happening. This didn't bother me, though, I was more annoyed that the cable keeps popping in & out, & the repairman said that if it did that, we'd need a new cable. This would cost us $25, which we don't have. I wouldn't mind downgrading our cable from digital to expanded basic, but I'm not even going to raise this option with Trish, until she sees a doctor (& not a priest; it's Union Maid).

Trish sees Charlene Upstairs today. I hope everything works out fine for her. It's the beginning of fall, a cold, rainy day, & omens to be the same all next week. I need to go with her to the bank, as we need to cash our mid-month checks from Karen. I will try not to antagonize Cheri. I will write while Trish is out with Car-girl.

sad song

I feel so sorry for Trish right now. It's no longer suicide, that we seem to have stayed by having her see Joe last week, now it's that she wants to quit her job. We had to call Karen before work yesterday & give Trish a little pep talk before she walked to work (I think her parking is beginning to vex her again).

When she arrived & called me over the phone she said that she felt better. I went ahead & finally downloaded Firefox & played around with it a little. I'm pleased that I can enlarge the text sufficiently to read anything, which means that I don't have to drop out of Critters.

Car-girl called about 12:30 -- after I'd had a TV dinner for lunch & cooked it wrong (I peeled off the cover). She said she was feeling ill & couldn't make it until 1:30, then changed her mind & came about 1:15. We did the laundry & picked up toilet paper & dish soap at the Buckadingdong Store Downtown, then cruised for the Invisible Pizza Hut. I got a pop & Car-girl gossiped with Christy some about her being with child. Trish got into a little trouble at work, from wanting to leave too early, but it was my fault: Car-girl had another client at 3:00, he didn't have a phone, & so when I asked Trish how long she'd be, I didn't give Car-girl the opportunity to simply tell her client she'd be a few minutes late. At least she made it thru another week of work. Say Bra did ask her to work today, but she replied that she had plans (watching Gone With the Wind with Donna) -- then turned around & called Pizza Hut & apologized.

After supper -- leftover sketti -- we took out the trash & cleaned Smelly Bear's cage. Jeffer Auss came over to "fix" my speakers, but after an hour & 1/2 playing around with the wires -- & no solder -- we determined that he'd left the tweeter disconnected. We left the TV radio running all night, but this morning, after waking to a burned-out bulb in our lamp, I turned off the rear channels, just in case it might blow the rear channel on the amp. I can't really afford a new one right now.

Monday & Tuesday

Monday, after Trish left for work in the bat-mobile, I worked on Mindstorm, whose name may be changed to The Haldol Blues. I haven't decided yet. It felt good to return to the one thing that I really want to be remembered for. I think I'll just chalk reading with a magnifying glass up to a failed experiment. It gives me so much anxiety that it isn't worth the pleasure -- which leaves me with stuff like skiffy media models, which aren't good.

My joy at creating something beautiful quickly vanished when Trish came home. She did an absolutely terrible job parking, tried again after her rear wheel wound up on the curb, then rocketed out of there, & this time wound up with both wheels on the curb. I think she had a panic attack when she realized she remained a few feet from the curb. She finally had her veggies from the salad bar, & we had sketti for supper. Monday night is Dark Angel, so we watched the first episode, then taped the rest.

Tuesday was shot day. It was also my chance to mail "Astronomy Domine". Since Pam Upstairs was in staff meeting until 10:00, I set out from the house a little early. The story only cost $2.22 to mail. When I arrived at the Center, I went to the bathroom, & suddenly Sam had to go upstairs, too, as did Mary, Wayne, & Robert. I finally got in to have my shot, but remained in a kind of blue funk, at least until I took a Scientology-fucking Xanax. Unlike Monday, when I'd felt creatively inspired, I did nothing but watch Heavy Metal & Madonna 93-99 while I waited for Trish, & the last mostly just listening to the soundtrack while I waited. This time her parking was a little bit better. We ate leftover sketti, watched 2 episodes of Dark Angel, & then ate our pineapple. Thanks to the "addictive experimental antidepressant" I fell asleep in my chair while watching the 3rd episode, only to be awakened when Fred called. He wants to pick the rest of the apples today.

My rejection slip from Platinum Studios arrived today. Sid had passed the story on to the execs, who thought it to be too complex & involved elements of alchemy that the average movie-goer wouldn't likely know about (although that was sort of the point).

Trish had terrible anxiety again, yesterday. At least this is her last day of work for the week. Tomorrow she plans to watch Gone With the Wind with Donna, while Car-girl & I do TA. She's looking forward to Friday, when Car-girl can help her with her driving. I'm not sure what's bothering her, but I hope Charlene Upstairs can help on Friday.

Son of Mozilla meets pterodactyl-woman

Trish walked to work yesterday, as the Lutheran Church was holding a block party & she was afraid of losing her parking lot. I fixed the last of the Albertson's generic pancake batter yesterday, which means I have to start in on the stuff Karen bought us, & now I'm scared I'm going to dump it all over the floor. It's such a big bag.

I was in the bathroom when Trish called from Pizza Hut. Fortunately, I'd taken the phone with me & was able to flush (I must've used up all my $73 credit flushing the day before my colonoscopy). Once Trish was off I finished "Astronomy Domine", prined it up, then went online. I'd already researched Democritus & atomic theory that morning, I simply wanted to check my email. I got into a conversation with Ted on MSN, who recommended a free word-processor called OpenOffice.

I finally got off in time for the parish picnic, which was indoors & not in Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Park. I caught sight of my cousin Ted there, & went to sit with him & his daughter & grand-kid. I mostly just had a hot dogs, beans, jell-o, potato & macaroni salads, & a piece of Sister Judith's cake. She's leaving now. Tim Marone said that it was cool I was there when I got a pop, though it was too bad about Trish having to miss it, because of work.

When I returned, I found a message from Fred on my answering machine. I'd called earlier, about bringing in the a/c. Although the highs are supposed to reach up to almost 90 for the next couple days, it's supposed to turn cool & rainy, starting about the middle of the week. Fred said he'd be over around 2:00, so I took a bath while I waited. The doorbell rang just as I was getting out, & it turned out to be Kimothy, which made me leery. I'd already told her she can't always get what she wants, & I wouldn't have known how to explain her presence to Fred, let alone having to cope with how Trish would've felt: it only would've fueled Trish's anxiety.

So I chased Kim off, put on my watch, glasses, & shoes & socks & waited for Fred on the porch while Retro-Active played on my homemade speakers. When he got here, once the machines were in, we worked on Amazing Grace. When Trish called we drove straight out, & came home with a couple plates of veggies from the salad bar. Her eating is getting better & her appetite is returning, even though she claims that she still has days when she just wants to quit & can't live up to Joe's expectations of her. At least we haven't heard the term "suicide" in awhile, & fortunately are almost thru with our wait to see Doc Larocque.

When we were home, Trish took a shower while I called wako. She shaved her legs so that theyd be as soft as softy hair. We fixed our chicken downstairs, while watching our Pat Benatar DVD. It turned out well done, & we finished off the last of the macaroni salad.

While we were watching Buffy after dinner, I called my brother John about OpenOffice. Of course, he had to resort to his usual intellectual arrogance, this time defending the skinny dog, who'd mailed the RV keys to John & Dan. Other than that, he was fairly informative. He said that OpenOffice is a good program, but might be a little tricky to download without broadband. He had his qualms, though, about IE & suggested that I switch to Firefox, which you can buy at Mozilla.org -- which I googled this morning, & although it's cheap -- $6.00 -- you have to have a credit card. Seeing as how I don't have one, I'll stick to IE.

I woke up before 6:00 this morning, went to the bathroom, then crawled back in bed to be with my Beautiful Blonde Bumble Bee Girl. However, I soon had enough of listening to background music, & left bed at 6:00. This woke Trish up long enough for her to take her synthroid, & now she's napping until 8:00. I may try to hunt up OpenOffice, but mostly just long enough to see how long of a download it's going to be.

just another manic Sunday

Saturday, life returned to normal after my colonoscopy -- save that Trish expressed suicidal thought twice in 2 days, & fuck Scientology: it's not from her "addictive experimental antidepressants (they ruin lives)", though the skinny dog would probably make such a claim. The problem is her high anxiety level, & that can be treated medically & not fucked up Scientological vitamins. Scientology has killed a lot of innocent, naive people. www.scientology-kills.org used to be pretty good at exposing abuses of Scientology, but they had their teeth pulled by Scientology lawyers.

So anyway, we had our breakfast, & most of Trish's eating disorder has gone away. We finished our pancakes at approximately the same time, then sat down for her to drink her share of the coffee. When I get up before she does I usually drink 1/2 pot iced, then leave the rest to her. Then she asked if I'd get mad if she told me something. She said, "suicide", because Joe had called her a success story, which puts pressure on her. I suggested calling Karen, who didn't answer, so Trish drove to work anyway. After she called from Pizza Hut, I went ahead & called Karen. I told her what Trish had said, & she said, if Trish has a plan, we can get her to BH, otherwise, tell her everyone has moments when they feel like quitting.

Including me. I wanted to write, but I keep having anxiety over it, because of my failing vision. So I wrote a letter to Hope. I had to write it in a giant font, but I had so much fun doing it that I worked on "Astronomy Domine" after my lunch of a peanut butter sandwich, macaroni salad, & jell-o. I think that the story's basically complete, though I want to add something about Democritean physics at the beginning.

When Trish got home from work, she parked perfectly, save for a little bit of coaching from me. She took her shower while I listened to Retro-Active, played a few games on the poker machine, & read a couple pages of Destroyer. We ordered out a lasagna pizza from work, & Trish gave Bridget a big tip, which was good, as Bridget had been sort of causing Trish to get riled up at work over when she could go home. She wants to be with her sweet Pookie Bear a little too badly.

We watched Buffy after I finished my bath. This time, Willow caused mass amnesia, & her addiction to magic grew. I let Trish watch Buffy 'cause it's very comforting to her. Take 2 people romantic: we watched it all the time when we were dating. We finally ate the rest of the jell-o & went to bed.

This morning (Sunday) I woke up at 6:00, like usual. Trish is planning to walk to work as the Lutheran Church is having a block party & she doesn't want to lose her parking spot. I wish that she felt more confident in her driving. She knows how to do it, she's just got the copper jitters.

What I really want to be doing right now is another edit of Mindstorm. Using the preditors&editors page, I've already submitted one query to an agent there, but want to hold off on any more until after I've re-made/re-modelled the thing. This should only take a couple weeks, once I start. Perhaps this afternoon, once I'm finished with "Astronomy Domine", I'll look at Ch.1. It's going to be different from the iUniverse version, which I'm not even mentioning, as it's probably a negative-credit. Monday also might be a good time to work on it. Tuesday's both shot day & Car-girl, so that's out.

I should also add that I called Ted last nite. He had made it home safe from vacation a week ago, he just had been busy. Therefore, he'd never had time to finish TC, but I've already got something at Analog, so there's no big hurry.

The RCC is having their parish picnic in the park today, so I may wander over for a burger. Other than that, things should be back to normal.

rectum-sight

Wear knew come tomb rectum-sight...

An ordeal begn Thursday that I'm not looking forward to repeating, but it wasn't as bad as I'd been expecting. All clear liquid diet: breakfast of Jell-o (yellow), followed by more Jell-o & some beef broth for lunch.

I had an appointment with Joe that day, 10:00 AM, but brought Trish along, as she's living in a hell of anxiety & moodswings right now. I think Joe finally convinced her it was OK for her to take a whole Klonopin in the AM, & that the more she allows her fear of driving to overwhelm her, the worse it's going to get. She left with her Sweet Pookie Bear still feeling anxiety over the upcoming colonoscopy.

I ate "supper" around 3:30, so I could take the Fleet phospho-soda around 4:00. I sat on the couch by the bathroom, expecting to have to jump up every minute & possibly crap my pants. However, nothing happened for 1 hour & 40 min.s. Then the great flood began, the torrents of shit in the toilet. Every 10-20 minutes, up until bedtime. Keith called, but I had to blow him off; you can't hold down an hour-long conversation when you're jumping up constantly. Trish & I watched Spy Game, a mediocre thriller we'd picked up at Albertson's a couple days ago.

When bedtime came I only took one temazapam, as the nurse at Same Day Surgery had an issue with the sleeping pill causing me difficulties getting to the toilet & getting up between 4:00 & 5:00 to take the 2nd phospho-soda. So I woke up at 3:00 AM & took the thing around 4:00. I did nothing but sit in the co-pilot's chair & listen to TV music; the cable repairman had fixed the channels popping in & out Thursday morning about the time Trish went out to eat at the Soup Kitchen & do a little shopping.

I finally went back to bed to nap for an hour. Trish had a breakfast of shredded wheat, while I had nothing. We called Car-girl around 8:00 & got there on time. A few minutes later a nurse called me in. I had to take everything off but my socks, & stuff it in a plastic bag. Then they started an IV & called Trish in. She looked at her Star magazine for awhile, then watched some TV until they came for me. The nurse-anesthetist looked like a biker, a big fat guy with a Levi jacket & bandana. Once they wired me to the machine I was out, until I came to in the recovery room. Dr. Anoushfer apparently had payed a visit to Trish & told her that he'd removed some ulcers & a polyp. I have an appointment with him on the 19th.

Car-girl picked us up around 12:30 -- she had class in Great Falls & so I'd asked to be released as soon as I could get around. She picked up an iced latte at The Grind, as did Trish. I ate a few slices of toast for lunch. Mostly, I just sat around that day & watched Pink Floyd's Pulse. Then when it was over Trish started to get into some histrionic anxiety over her meds & her moodswings, so I took a nap with her. However, I got out of bed to look up "lamictal anxiety" on the Internet & came up with the interesting information that it's used to treat it.

For supper I fixed myself French toast, as they'd said that I couldn't have anything really spicy. We had a Buffy-fest after supper, to calm Trish down. We reached the musical before going to bed. I took 3 temazapam & woke up around 6:00 this morning. The new issue of sciencenews.org is on the web, but I won't be able to read it until Trish is safely at work. She's waking up now. This means pancakes.

pre-rectum-site

Where new come tomb rectum-site...

Tomorrow is my big day for the colonoscopy, so when I got up aroud 6:00, I had a bowl of lemon Jell-o. Trish was the official Jello-cook last night, & then we cleaned Smelly Bear's cage.

Earlier in the day... well, sleepless night. I woke up at 2:00, then 4:00, finally got up around 5:00. I spent a long time on my blog, & then Trish wanted her breakfast of pancakes. We tried calling Car-girl about the apples, but she said Thursday, so Trish walked to the Layout with me, where I spent a long time talking about her problems with Lisa. Basically, I'm just going to bring her in when I go to see Joe today.

After I ate some chicken sandwiches there -- Donna came in late & so did Jan, but she came bearing cucumbers from her garden -- I did nothing all afternoon but watch Heavy Metal. Except I did do the dishes. Just when I parked myself in the porch chair Trish called, so I put the phone back. Karen called a few minutes later, & I discussed my problems with Trish, as well as my own anxiety over losing my vision.

When Trish came home I showed her where I'd daubed some white onto my painting, & pointed it out to Trish, who agreed that it was real atomic. She'd brought home some veggies from work, so once she'd cooled down she took a shower & I played with the computer; no hotornot.com or ICQ chat, too many people looking for relationships.

When we were finally ready to watch our movie Trish suggested making out when it was over -- how many minutes is this, Jim? -- & I suggested right away. It took awhile, though. It always does. Dr. Nolan offered to write up a 'script for Viagra awhile ago, but not until after we see Doc Larocque. If it's the haldol that's in my blood & the blood that's in my penis that causes impotence, I should be able to shoot the Orgasm-Death non-Kimothy for my beautiful Bumble Bee Girl better on stelazine. Or whatever.

So far today I've had a bowl of yellow Jell-o & 1/2 pot of coffee. I may have some more Jell-o when Trish wakes up.

days of night & torment

A lot happened in the last couple days, though in many ways, those were typical days, cool in the morning, but still hot in the afternoon, though we rarely have to run the a/c anymore. Trish wanted to sit in front of it one day after work, & we've had it on in the bedroom a couple times. Right now (Wednesday morning) it's off & the radio does play: a little Retro-active there, kids.

Trish had to work on Labor Day. I fixed her breakfast of pancakes, & that evening she turned into Cranky Bear: I'd spilled some of the powdered mix on the carpet in the kitchen. She's been doing a lot of this, lately, either being cranky or -- especially -- having anxiety. Right now, it's over her eating. She takes such small portions, & eats so slowly. Then she'll try to race to catch up & nearly choke. A couple weeks back, she actually did have some food come back up, & has come close to doing it again at least 2 times since then. She wants to blame her "med change"; the Klonopin (& fuck Scientology) in the AM is only a PRN now, & I've tried to advise her to take it, anyway, but she insists on taking 1/2 pills instead, & blames her paranoia on "withdrawals" (& fuck Scientology). She doesn't get to see Charlene Upstairs until the 15th, & we both see Doc Larocque on the 20th. Until then, I have to worry about my Beautiful Blonde Bumble Bee Girl (she's a dyer).

So after Trish left for work Labor Day I read some more of Destroyer, then ate at the Soup Kitchen, then picked up some pic-a-nic food at Albertson's, & used up the entire $10.17 that was on the food stamp card. I watched a lot of movies on cable in the afternoon, then when Trish was eating discovered Skiffy was having a Dark Angel marathon, which preceded a make-out session that definitely proved that I need Viagra -- or else wait until we see Doc Larocque & get off the haldol, so I can get off with my wife.

So yesterday, I woke up with the alarm clock, 7:00 AM. That didn't give me time to write on my blog. I called Wagner Plumbing at 9:00, & explained our problem. The guy said, "Maybe not today, but certainly tomorrow", but I explained that I might be gone in the afternoon: TA with Car-girl. When they did show up, right after we got Trish home from work, it only took them an hour. We gave them some of our apples, too.

Trish walked to work, once I'd cleared picking her up with Car-girl. I read Destroyer some more, then ate at Feed My Sheep again. Afterwards, I went to Albertson's, to pick up some pop, jello, & beef broth for tomorrow: my liquid diet, preceding my colonoscopy.

Car-girl picked me up around 1:30; she had to talk to Joe Upstairs about a log her Dopamax screwed up for her. We did the laundry & stopped at the Dollar Store Downtown for some shaving supplies. Christy treated us very nicely, & got a buckadingdong out of me, for a tip.

When we got home I called the hospital over my orange soda & peach jello; the instructions said, "nothing red or purple", but orange is too close to red; it has to be yellow or green. I found the receipt on the floor, so Trish & I trucked over to Albertson's to switch the stuff out for Diet Duo & lemon & lime jello. I sent her off with a shopping cart to find the stuff, & let some guy with a bottled water go ahead of me.

We finished off the hot dogs, & I had a generous helping of macaroni salad, which Trish turned down -- & I still beat her eating! This is starting to really worry me.

We finally watched some TV, & Dion called during Jaws. He'd called earlier in the day, & they both picked up at the same time. I think it cheered Trish up, but it also scared her about driving some more. Trish had handed me the phone, to let me explain to Dion that the copz had bullied Trish around, but she became agitated when I told him she knows how to go to the hospital & clinic, but is scared, so I handed the phone back to her, though I wanted to talk about my vision & my writing some more. We finally had our pineapple & went to bed. My sleeping pills didn't kick in until 11:00 & I woke up at 2:00 & 4:00, napped in between some, then finally got up around 5:00. It's currently around 7:10. so I may work on "Astronomy Domine" for awhile.

Labor Day morning (a good day yesterday)

Well, actually, it was sort of a bad day yesterday. Trish drove to work, which was cool, but we'd been discussing whether or not I need to further rewrite Mindstorm, & she suggested just getting on the computer & finding someone to chat with. Angel came online -- & turned out to be a person I'd probably not really want to deal with; I mean 2 or 3 divorces, when I thought she was happily married & therefore safe. Waste of my morning up to noon. After lunch -- a TV dinner & a later snack on 2 pieces of toast -- I watched The Wrath of Khan 'cause I was kind of too bummed out to read Destroyer.

Trish came back from work tired & cranky: someone had spilled sauce on all her plates, but Kristy helped clean them, so Trish gave her a Champ card. Fred came over to pick apples about the same time, but complained that he smelled gas in the basement. I fixed steak, potatoes, & winter mix veggies for supper. Kim came over while we were eating, & Trish answered the door. Trish didn't know the sign for "busy" & generally speaking, what went on with Kim in the past really upsets Trish, so she was also disturbed by her. Trish finally cut her off & returned to the table.

We called the gas company about the smell in the basement as soon as we finished eating. The emergency number said that the tech had to pick up some tools & would be over in 30-45 minutes, during which Trish's anxiety worsened. He finally came, & after checking out the water heater, decided we have a loose ferrel (sp?) that we need to have a plumber fix. He said the leak's so small that it's not dangerous, & probably has been this way for years, possibly even when the tank was first installed.

After he left we watched Spy Game, a general title thriller that we picked up at Albertson's before supper. We ate some pineapple as a bedtime snack, then, once we were in bed, I woke up at first 3:00, then 4:26. I only took 2 temazapam, though, & fuck Scientology. I'll keep on taking 2 for the interim, unless I have a really sleepless night. Today I plan to read & work on "Astronomy Domine", & no more Angel or lesbian breasts.

DriveCleaner & other stories

Yesterday, Trish decided to walk to work, as she had a cramp in her leg & didn't want to put the petal to the metal by accident. Before she left I called Fred, about possibly picking the apples in the back yard. This year, they're going to the Soup Kitchen, except for enough to make one pie, & not an apple howdy. While on the line with Fred, I wondered if it's time to take in the air-conditioners, but told him that I'd have to check out the 10-day forecast, to see if the heat would be coming back. It's been getting down in the high 30s at night, & the house feels cool the rest of the day, plus we do have the big ceiling fans.

So once Trish called home from work, I checked out the 10-day -- upper 80s to lower 90s -- & did some other online stuff. I was really trying to find a time when Angel, one of my ICQ chat buddies, would be back online, but I hate planning a schedule around virtual friends, people I've never met. When I got off the computer, I had a choice between Feed My Sheep or El Taco Loco, & opted for a taco salad instead of stale pizza.

Then, when I came home, I was opting for some Angel time, but while waiting amused myself by running "breasts lesbian" thru the image finder at Yahoo search, but soon had a reason to become Leery: the page suddenly was replaced by a note saying that viewing adult materials can leave permanent files on your computer that can't be erased, & we recommend running DriveCleaner to deal with them. An instant later a Norton banner popped up: DriveCleaner is a virus. I ran a complete scan on Norton & got the thing excluded. Even though Norton took it out in the first couple of minutes, I let the scan run anyway, then ran into a problem with Disk Cleanup. It stopped responding. Next time I'll hit "end task" rather than "cancel". I rebooted, ran it again, & got an error message, so after Trish was home I tried again & no problem.

Trish took her bath, only to run out of hot water. We're going to have to have Fred look at it when he's over to pick apples. I cooked the chicken while we watched Blondie upstairs, rather than down in the basement, that's how cool it was, that we didn't need to worry about the oven heating the house. After supper Trish wanted to go to Albertson's to pick up some cleaning supplies & a Star magazine. I listened to music with her while she read it, & thankfully she decided not to subscribe.

While she read it, I called Keith & at some point, mentioned Doc Larocque vs. Suzanne Locoweed. He went into a long rant about how she'd prescribed all this stuff that didn't work for him, & I countered that she'd made all the changes in Trish's meds that really helped her, while Suzanne summarily dismissed all our requests to get Trish off haldol -- or Depakote & Zoloft, for that matter, & fuck Scientology.

We finally went to bed, & I woke up around 2:20, after not-falling asleep until 11:00.

I've made a very big decision. I'm going to try to portray my life: I want to start another draft of Mindstorm, albeit with a different title. I've decided to go thru the Preditors&Editors page alphabetically & send the same pitch I sent Albert Zuckerman to all the "recommended" agents. This means that I'll have to have the book ready in case of a request to look at the thing, so I'm going to spend my writing time, not wasting time with Angel or lesbian porn, but with the adventures of the rollicking Rootboy.

3 days of fun & music

It's been awhile since I wrote in this blog, mostly 'cause I generally write in the early morning, & I've been sleeping in until 6:30-7:00, mostly due to my "addictive antidepressant, Xanax", & fuck the skinny dog. The panic attacks seem to be coming on more frequently, though I try to only take 1/2 pill, & the other 1/2 if I really need it.

Thursday morning I had a consultation with Dr. Newshvar (sp?), over my upcoming colonoscopy. Car-girl picked us up around 9:30, & her cracked veneer certainly did make her normally pretty smile look incredibly bad. They had Trish help me fill out a form, & told me I'd be receiving a call from Same Day Surgery about picking up some Fleet Phospho-soda laxatives. Then we had to stop at the bank to take out money for Trish's hair-do & root killer. Trish decided at the last minute that she wanted to go to the Center; Lisa said she'd wished we'd given her more warning (about how many to cook for); we apologized & said we'd just got back from the doctor's office. After eating some chili dogs, we walked home thru chill, rainy weather. Trish did some cleaning in the kitchen, & then we walked over to the Hair Co., where to keep us amused I bought some diet Snapple over at Office Equipment & some white chocolate candy over at the Carousel. I fixed b-b-q pork that night.

Friday morning Trish slept in until 8:30, or actually that's when the alarm was set for, but she got up sooner. After breakfast she played Penguins for awhile, then I cut up the leftover pork & mixed it with pork-&-beans. I had mine on toast; she ate hers out of a bowl. She sent me downstairs while she did some housecleaning, so I watched The Wall. Car-girl got delayed with a new TA client, so we had to wait until 3:30 for her to pick us up. The first order of business was to get up to the hospital & pick up those laxatives (we needed to do it before 4:30), then we did the laundry & went to the bank. We transferred another 50 buckadingdongs into the Trips account, then went to Albertson's & picked up almost exactly $50 in food; Karen had given me that much. We ate at El Taco Loco. Trish had a chicken quesadillo & I had a burro. We wound up going to bed early, after I kept nodding off in my chair.

I woke up at 2:20 with the music running. Trish had turned it on without waking me. I finally got back to sleep, & then got up around 6:38. Trish & I picked some of the apples from the tree, to take to her boss. We're thinking of donating them to the Soup Kitchen. I may or may not eat lunch there. El Taco Loco is close by & I'm craving a crazy taco.